Sunday, 31 August 2014

Further Notes on Driving in the Aegean Islands

Which Side of the Road?: Whichever takes your fancy; favourite is straight(ish) down the middle. (See a previous post). Don’t worry about anything coming the other way: you are more important and they will swerve into the ditch or over the precipice at the last moment.

Parking: Remember that driving is a competitive activity: the aim is always to assert your importance, your superiority to all other road-users, by causing them every possible inconvenience. Park wherever you like, but especially good places are just round blind corners, right across the entrance to a shop or bar, across side-roads, or just bang in the middle of the road, especially if there are already cars parked on both sides. And do not forget the magic button: this is usually situated in the middle of the dashboard so may well catch your eye should you happen at any time to look through the windscreen. Pushing this causes the little yellow lights at the corners of the car, or those of them that happen to work, to flash on and off. The flashing of these lights automatically exonerates you from all possible blame should anyone have the temerity to complain that you are endangering other road users.

Hill Starts: These are easy. When you have parked the car pointing uphill, simply get in and release the handbrake. The car should start rolling backwards downhill. If it doesn’t, stamp on the clutch and wiggle the gear-lever until it goes into neutral, when rolling will start. Now look in your pockets for the keys. When found, start the engine, put it in a forward gear (any forward gear) and push the accelerator hard down to the floor so that the engine screams. Now quickly take your other foot off the clutch pedal. The car should leap rapidly forward, rolling over the people and other vehicles it has crushed while rolling backwards.

Special rule for male drivers: It is mandatory, imperative, always to overtake the vehicle in front of you, regardless of road conditions, speed, danger, and other such trivial considerations. Failure to overtake vehicles in front causes your testicles to drop off. On the other hand, success in overtaking causes the other chap’s testicles to drop off, which is satisfying.


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